Daze

You came when I least expected.

When I felt like shit because I couldn’t have someone I wanted.

You made me felt like I was sought, that I deserved to be loved.

And I never thought I would fall for it…that I would fall in love with you.

I thought you were just my world but I never understood why you became my galaxy.

 

Everything was supposed to be perfect,

but like what you said…everything was temporary and nothing lasts forever

and so were you.

 

When you left, I never understood why because you once said, that you would never leave me.

You told me to live in reality and find real happiness to someone else.

I guess, you never considered that you made me truly happy back then.

Were you thinking that all those times we shared were delusions?

To me they were not, and would not be.

 

As you’ve gone, I was wasted.

I was not myself anymore.

I hated myself.

I hated the way I looked in the mirror, the sound of my voice…

the fact that I was still breathing without you.

 

I was looking for you in everyone I could see.

You were as intelligent as the guy I chatted with.

Your hairstyle was like my boss’s.

Your perfume smelled like the guy who crossed the pedestrian.

The car on the parking area of Walmart looked like yours.

The smile of the guy in one of the TV series I was watching looked exactly like your smile.

I couldn’t stop my frantic heart.

And the butterflies in my stomach that I thought already drowned by alcohol,

were on rampage again.
Did you have any idea how much it kills me to wake up with pain in my chest every morning as I reached my phone hoping there was a message from you but there wasn’t?

Did you know how many times my bestfriend stopped me from listening to our song that once made me fell in love but now only brought tears in my eyes?

Did you know how much I wanted to rant how crap my day was, how sad I was, but you weren’t there anymore to listen?

Did you know how painful it was to miss you, but no matter what I do, no matter how hard I’ll cry, you would never going back to me?

You were still the first and last thing in my mind everyday even though I wanted you not to be.

Tell me, what have I done for me not to deserve you?

Why am I not good enough? Why?

 

I never wanted to move on but the time came when I needed to be.

I know I should already stopped crying myself to sleep.

I know I should stopped drinking and getting wasted every night.

I know I should been focusing in my work.

I know I should already let you go.

It’s not that I didn’t want to…

but I just couldn’t…

 

It had been months since you left, but here I am still grieving for you.

Breakup.

This is what you wanted right?

 

You said that even though we were not together anymore we will still stay in each other’s heart…

well, you still do.

But have you ever asked me if I wanted you to?

 

You said all those memories we shared will remain in both of us,

but then why it felt like I was the only one who still have them?

Why am I the only one who still holding on?

Why couldn’t I just simply forget everything?

 

You made it looked so easy,

disappearing and cutting all our communications.

It was like you were sucked into other dimension.

 

But even though you were gone now, you were still in my mind.

You were trying to hypnotize my brain cells so that they will kept on showing me flashbacks of my memories with you.

My eyes could still see you even though you were not here anymore.

I still kept on smelling your minty breath although I was alone.

I could always hear your voice saying “have you eaten, gorgeous?” 

I could even feel your warmth at night…

I was trying to forget but as if you refused to be forgotten, so I couldn’t.

How selfish could you be?

 

Did you know how much I wanted my new guy to be you?

That I was not just taking him for granted?

Did you think I’ve only missed you when he was not there?

No, I missed you even when he was kissing me,

when he wrapped his hands around me,

when he makes love to me…why?

Because he could never be you.

 

I thought I could get a break from thinking, craving and missing you when I’m asleep, but for fuck’s sake!

You were still haunting me in my dreams,

showing me how jealous you were and you were the only one who could have me.

Why? Why are you doing this to me?

 

Every time I had a feeling that I’m finally getting over you, you always find a way to tighten my collar.

You knew all my weaknesses and you were using them against me.

It’s exhausting…why didn’t you just let me move on?

 

You were like my sun.

Yeah, you brought light into my life, but it was not about that.

I was Icarus, and you were the sun.

I flew too near you and I got burned.

I didn’t mind though because you worth it, but did you know what were you doing?

I was already falling down away from you but you still shone beautifully,

luring me back in daze, giving me false hope to fly again.

When in fact, I really didn’t need to anymore.

I’ll just gonna burn over and over like my heart broke for you all over again.
I wanted to move on.

Believe me. I was trying my best to have a life like you wanted me to.

I was trying to fall in love again to someone else, but I just couldn’t.

You were like a quick sand, you caught me and you didn’t want to let me go anymore.

You kept on sucking me in, but the thing was…you didn’t even know it.

Maybe you thought that you already let me go, but it was the other way around.

 

 

Really. Are you the one who refused to be forgotten? 

 

 

Or all along…it was me?

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